A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
