I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize