you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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