she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
