with your own penis?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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