apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
