I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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