just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
