By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
