It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You took a bar mat shot.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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