I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
