Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
