does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
