Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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