apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
