I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
