i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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