can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
