u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Even the bartender felt bad for me
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
