well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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