A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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