I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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