took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Randomize