so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize