there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
