I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
