Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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