I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
