Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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