Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize