the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
