He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I accidentally burped into my bong.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
