the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
