he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
