he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
