Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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