There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
