He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
