I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize