Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
