I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
