She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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