Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
