I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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