did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize