Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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