my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
