Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My boob is missing a layer of skin
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
