Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
