i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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