Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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