New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
