he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
