Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
