dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
