I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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