i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
