i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
