i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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