What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
They took my balls.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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