My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
