i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
